Sunday, January 17, 2010

"Who the Fuck is Reggie?"

A new era is at hand, the dawn of a new and dark time is upon us.  This new generation will be the "Ignorant Drunks."  That's right, slowly but surely new adults are becoming sloppier, deadlier, and more ignorant than ever.  Gone are the days of creativity and flavour; today's club-goer sticks to bud-lights and rum and coke.  I'll bet you that a majority of 19-23 year olds, including bartenders, don't even know what a 'Cuba Liba' or a 'Cape Cod' is.  Not that I blame them.  Bartenders these days are awful. they lack creativity, energy, knowledge, and personality.  Hell, the only thing bartenders have in common these days is titts.

Hey, I'm all for lady bartenders, I always encourage more women to try it out.  What I'm against, however, is hiring bartenders who know fuck-all about bartending, but get the job because of their blond hair and fresh cantaloupes.  Everywhere I go now I see bartenders moving so slowly, using one hand at a time, and denying people service because they have no Idea how to make any drinks.  Sure, every bar has at least 1 bartender who knows what he or she is doing, and I applaud them.  Bartending is no longer a passion, its no longer an art.  No no, bartending has evolved in to a hideous beast.  It has evolved into a part time job for hot girls.  Theres no more creativity, bartenders aren't unique.  When I ask a bartender to make 'their special shot' or 'something new' and they pour me a liquid cocaine, or a jager-bomb....  fuck you.  Try and enjoy what you do, it's a hell of a job, and for many; a very lucrative career.

And for those consumers out there, the many that make it possible for these bartenders to exist:  try something new.  Look up old cocktail recipes, mix your own liquors, try scotch; good scotch, get into wine, try a martini, order a cape cod.  Get away from Budweiser and jager bombs guys, and ladies; no more cosmos,  You're not Carrie Bradshaw.  Try some beer, learn to like nice wine.  I'll tell ya, there's nothing sexier than a woman who can handle some scotch.

The point is people, both making drinks, and drinking them is an art.  It's something a lot of people take great pride in.  Learn to appreciate it, learn to enjoy it.  You wouldn't go out for dinner and settle for shitty food (if you would then you're an idiot), so don't settle for shitty drinks.  Try one new drink every month, learn how to make drinks properly, and most of all, learn to control  yourselves.  Stop drinking and driving, stop fighting for no reason, and bartenders; you have a wonderful job, explore it, be creative, and take pride in what you do.

"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid"
-  Richard Braunstein

Rule #21: "Remember, your parents were better drinkers than you are"


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Don't hurt me Arch... I'm only little!

Good afterevening ladies and gentlemen,  although my comeback blog promised a weekly update I am simply too lazy and work too muchto follow through.  As a result you will recieve a new blog when I'm good and ready.  While this may seem selfish on the surface, I assure you it is not.  Each blog will be carefully written, carefully checked over for errors, adn will most likely be epic every single time.  I will now give you a minute to prepare yourself for the glory that will follow....


"Fuck" - We've all uttered those words the day after a party.   You know... you go to a party you bring your 12 pack of Vex, you get your drink on, you have a great time and then you get a ride home with a cab or one of your friends.  You wake up in the morning and realize you left 3 of your Vex at Jeff's house. Fuck!  Consider it a loss.  We all know what gets left behind stays behind. 

However, there are certain set of rules one must abide by when adhering to such a doctrine.  Ultimately though, the rules are up to the discretion of the party host. Here in our lab, our top scientists have come up with a set of suggestions for both the party host, and the party goer. Our scientists have over 75 years of lifetime experience, and ample party hosting experience to boot.   Do what you will with these suggestions, but we feel they are pretty fair for all involved.

Beverages -
 Any host shall give a party patron 24 hours from the time the party started to collect liquid based belongings from the party location before they become part of the hosts property
        Exceptions - This rule only applies to anything less than the following - 6 pack of beer or coolers, one-third of a bottle of hard liquor, or $6 worth of non-alcoholic liquid products. Any full cases, full liquor bottles, or an excessive amount of Coke Zero should be given back (Unless your a Coke Zero whore, then we understand.)

Snacks - All party food (chips, dip, cookies, bunt-cake, special brownies, etc) becomes the party hosts property the second it is presented to the host for consumption i.e. "Hey, I brought these pastry snacks for everyone to enjoy".  Anything that is not consumed the night of the party, whether opened, consumed, or not becomes the rightful property of the host.  This rule allows the host to be compensated for hosting said event, and above all, just makes sense.
      Exceptions - If a snack is brought over in a patrons own dish (tupperware, glass bowl, casserole dish), that patron has 24 hours to collect the leftovers before the host can claim them.
                        - If a patron brings over something homemade in their own dish (dip, ice cream, moonshine) there is no statute of limitations, and a party host must respect the patrons hard work and creativity.

Personal Belongings - Any personal belongings left at a party house by a direct friend (not a friend of a friend of a friend who came) can be claimed at any time by the party who left it behind, their family members, roommates, or significant other.  Any personal belongings left over by an indirect friend are covered under the jurisdiction of the party host.  The party host may lie to the indirect friend, claiming they do not have or could not find the item in question.  This is sometimes considered a 'bitch move' and can often have consequences.  However, in cases where the host will likely never see or speak with the individual again, it is perfectly acceptable to keep the hoody for yourself.
      Exceptions - Usually in this care there are no exceptions.  Party hosts will not often steal personal belongings from a friend of theirs, however, they are often comfortable with stealing from complete strangers, especially if they have nice shit.  One exception does occur when a good friend asks for their other good friends belongings.  This is left to the discretion of the host, but usually it is best to comply with your friends request.

So there you have it.  Keep these suggestions in mind when visiting a friend for pre-drink or for a party.  If you really wanted that last Budweiser, you shouldn't have left it there, you suck.  Hosts, keep in mind this is a golden opportunity to collect random portions of alcohol, food, empties and shoes...  That being said, enjoy whatever it is you are doing for New Years, be safe, have fun, live dangerously, cry a little, and most of all, have fun.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Fagin the Jew (it's the name of a book, relax)

Hold your applause; please, please... no pictures.

Back by popular demand, here I am, once again ranting and raving for your listening pleasure.  You see all the shit I do for you!!!!!  I know I've been gone for a long time, and that I haven't always been there for you, I haven't always been faithful to you, but....  you can't be mad at me..... just look at me!  HA!

Anyway, things are different now, they're good, they're bad, and there's the one ugly chick I work with...

For the 12 of you that read my blog, if you don't know (if you care) I'm no longer in Windsor, I'm not longer at behind the bar at Woody's Outhouse.  I've officially retired my Windsor Bartending career with a very impressive, un-defeated record.  Now, I'm not saying anyone should hang my jersey up on a wall (I had a jersey?) or retire my bottle opener, but I hope that you do miss me, because I miss you!

I miss standing behind the pine, half in the bag, watching the crowd; watching the girls, watching Adam (usually thinking 'what the fuck is he humping?).   I miss the life, the party, the hookers and cocaine (I added that last part for suspense purposes.  There were no hookers, and not much cocaine, I just felt as though I was losing you guys a bit there)  But really.. I do miss it, the people, the party, everything.   I met some of the greatest people of my life during my 5-year stint in the Dirty W, to all of you (and you know the fuckers I'm talking about), your so dope-boy fresh!!!!

Anyway, I'm in London now, clean cut, less drunk, and having a fucking blast.  I'm from London originally and all my friends are still kickin' around.  It's nice to be back amongst the boys and girls I grew up with!!!   As you all probably assume, I AM back behind the bar in London, but in a very different way.  I'm no longer littering my bartending time with babysitting 19-year old American girls who don't know how to handle Canadian beer!  The place(s) I'm bartending at now are much different.  We have 8 different styles of wine glass, 25 different scotches, and an average cocktail price of over $6.  It isn't as intense, its not as loud, not as exciting as the nightclub scene, but the tips are good, the waitresses are hot, and the other difference is, for me, unforgettable.

Basically its bartending, back to the basics, back to pre-prohibition bartending, the classics.  Everyday I'm making drinks like the Manhattan, the Old Fashioned, Classic Martinis, and and a ton of draft beer.  I'm at a private golf course here right now and I love it.  The members are older, more weathered.  They've experienced decades of drinking, they know what they want, they know how they want it, and the demand perfection.  It's a huge pain in the ass making perfect drinks everytime, with complicated recipes, and ingredients I'm not used to using.  However, it's pretty legit.  I'm learning a ton of shit and I'm loving it!

I know this is a long one (that's what she said?), but I've got a pretty good story for you today.   The moral.... learn your limits and try your hardest not to become a crazy drunk woman chasing me down the street!

Me, my roommate 'Bolo' (through these blogs I'm sure you will come to know and loathe him as I do, and his girlfriend were walking home from getting 3pm breakfast.  We're walking down the sidewalk and as we come to London's one of condemned downtown stores, Bolo sees a book in the window called 'Fagin the Jew'.  Naturally, he reads the book aloud, I mean... it's a weird title right...  Anyway, as he's shouting out "Fagin the Jew' we walk past a man and a woman who clearly spent the morning drinking out of a brown paper bag.  The man gets offended and asks 'what did you call me'  to which Aaron replies that it was a misunderstanding, there is a book with that title in the window.  Not having any of our excuses for such a rude insult, the woman in a sort of slow motion, gangly, hunchback of Notre Dame-ish movement comes runnning toward us.  With what seemed like a tremendous effort on her part, she yelled out 'are you tryina cause trouble for me?'  As were kind of giggling in shock, she runs up and she try's to kick Bolo.   Aside from it being the poorest excuse for a kick that I have ever seen, it was also about as threatening as Mickey Rourke dressed up as a ballerina. 

After kind of pushing the woman off, she Smeagles away to her knight in dirty flannel armour, and we continue on our way....

Crazy old drunk woman....  Epic!

So, as always, I'll leave you fuckers with some wisdom but not of my own, you aren't quite ready for that yet.

“But the greatest love--the love above all loves, Even greater than that of a mother... Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another.”
--Irish love ballad

Rule # :49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.


Friday, August 14, 2009

What we've got here is failure to communicate

There are few things every club needs in order to run. Every club needs booze, employees, some sort of point of sale system, and an atmosphere... That atmosphere is the most important thing. Every bar has the same products, beer is beer, booze is booze, that's not what they are selling. The product that a club is selling is the experience. One of the most important things to a club is the music. When you step into a club and you hear the beats, you feel the bass, and you see that dance floor packed tight, you know its gonna be a good time.

Unfortunately, time and time again, I see dance floors simply empty because the DJ mixed the song wrong, or played the wrong song. When that happens it's too late, the vibe is gone, the feeling, the experience, its ruined. You can't just toss in some slow, beatless track and expect people to just invent a way to dance to it. You can't play some awful, local artists rock song for the last song of the night. People's nights can be ruined because of music, because of a DJ. DJ's are one of the single most important things a club has. Having a good, consistent DJ is like having all your lifelines while your staring Regis Philbin in the eyes. DJ's are supposed to drop beats, not bombs.

Anyway, bottom line... Wednesday night sucked

Now, lets get into some mythical shit. There's plenty of myths about what works at bars, what to do, what not to do. Some of them are real, some are not. We'll get into some of that now, so sit back, chill out, and learn a thing or two.

Myth 1. - Hold your money in your hand when waiting for a drink, that way the bartender knows you want a drink and that you have money. - You are a retard. Bartender's hate that shit, we KNOW you want a drink... you'r standing at the bar. And you better hope you have money because if you can't pay for that drink, shit is gonna go down.

Myth 2. - Bartenders have the power to give out free drinks, they can do anything - Wrong, shut up! Giving away free booze is stealing. Bartenders all have a boss, that boss likes making money. Every free drink is one less drink sold. Don't ask, don't assume, it isnt gonna happen. If you get a free drink, you got lucky.

Myth 3. - I get a free drink because it's my birthday - Congradulations, just like every other person in the world, you have a birthday. You think bars want to give out free drinks to 19 year old girls that go bar to bar getting their free birthday shot? No. again, shut up!

Myth 4. - Banging on the bar, and yelling "hey" will you get you service faster. - Maybe go fist yourself. I'm not your personal assistant, I am not at your beckoned call. Be respectful, wait your turn, and learn our fucking names.

Myth 5. - Ordering a shot to do by yourself is cool. - No, it isnt. Get a friend.

Anyway, there are plenty more myths and do's and don't but I'm tired as fuck and I'm trying to watch Minority Report.

So remember, Stay Fit and Have Fun.

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer, and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." - Frank Zappa

Rule #57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.


Friday, July 24, 2009

Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn

I know it has been a while since my last blog, but, I've been lazy... lazy and drunk. I apologize. Anyway, there is a lot to talk about, and with the weekend coming up, even more to come.

We've got body shots, birthday parties, and what happens on a dance floor, it should be a decent blog, I'll do my best.

So last weekend, I witnessed one of the most common things that happens in a bar; body shots. This was no ordinary body shot... no no no... this was completely fucked up. It was a Wednesday, we had just closed up, around midnight (we're not normally even open Wednesdays), and some of us were just hanging around having a beer. A couple beers later, some people wanted some shots. Shots turned into bombs, and bombs turned into body shots. Although this is a pretty common occurrence in a bar, it still excites some people. Like I said, this was no ordinary body shot. It was more like Pineapple Express... "It's from that time. I told you, man! You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch! You wanted to do it!" There was whipped cream, there was Bailey's and there was a butt crack.... not a big deal, but it happened. Someone licked someones ass.... now that is fucked up.

Second to none however, was the dude laying on the bar, whipped cream on his nipples... Weird, but, I assumed "Ok, some chick is gonna lick that whipped cream off of him"... Wrong. Swooping down like a ninja out of the shadows, a couple good friends of mine gets a mouth full of whipped cream.... and man nipple... Also, it didn't just happen once... Fucking weird....

Now that the disturbing image is out of my mind, lets talk about the single greatest day of the year, celebrated all over the world... July 19th, my birthday. Yes, yes, I know... It's amazing. Long story short, after a few hours of drinking with my best friend from back home, going from bar to bar, insulting numerous random Americans on the street and almost getting in a fight, we arrive back at my place. As I stumble around barely conscious, unable to fathom the most simple ideas, I realize it is time to end the night and go to bed. It didn't quite end. With a stunning look of surprise on my face, my stomach empties and I drop to my knees. While we have all experienced getting sick after drinking, we usually aim for a toilet or even a sink, not our bedroom floors.... Oops. You imagine my surprise waking up Sunday morning to what was left after my drunken clean up attempt... Gross.

Dance floors are a pretty common thing amongst bars, they have existed since bars have. A club isn't a club without a dance floor, some lights, lasers, and a fog machine. However, dance floors are all exactly the same no matter where you go. There are 5 things that happen on a dance floor...

1. The solo dance - 1 person, guy or girl, just dancing by themselves having a great time and just tearin' it up.

2. The 1 on 1 - Whether its a guy and girl, 2 girls, or 2 dudes dancing together, the 1 on 1 is the most common occurrence on the dance floor.

3. The Sandwich - 1 Girl, 2 Guys - Also known as the dog toy - 2 guys sandwiching 1 girl, competing for her and fighting over her like 2 dogs over 1 toy. (No disrespect to women, I'm not calling you dogs or whatever.)

4. The Train - 1 Guy and 2 girls dancing together. The dude at the back and 2 chicks in front of him. Whether its real, or its one girl trying to help another girl, it happens.

5. The circle - A bunch of chicks together dancing around with each other with their shoes and handbags in the middle.

There you have it folks, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut"
- Ernest Hemingway

Rule #38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.


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Saturday, July 11, 2009

Slider *snif*... You Stink!

Its one of those things that annoys everyone, you know, that person who thinks he deserves something. This occurs in every industry, and in both genders. Whether its someone who thinks he deserves a discount on a new television, or some broad who thinks that because she's pretty she gets a free drink, it happens all the time.

It happens at the bar a lot, some one thinks that because he tipped 5 bucks (it is appreciated, don't get me wrong) he deserves a free drink. In that scenario, he is basically asking me to buy him a drink with the tip he just gave me, that really makes no sense at all. If you think you're that special, you probably aren't. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people that I would buy a drink for, and plenty of people who on occasion, might deserve a free drink, but I'll tell you what, those people are few and far between and probably never fucking ASK for a free drink, that just makes us angry. Having big tits does not entitle you to a free drink. They may help out in getting other guys at a bar to buy you drinks, but in no way constitutes for a free drink from the bartender. (I realize you need to save your money for your eventual breast-reduction surgery... go find a sugar daddy).

Many people fail to realize that giving out a free drink in Ontario (and many other provinces) is actually illegal. A bar or restaurant, and not to mention the bartenders and managers, can actually be fined or even shut down for giving away free booze. Asking the bartender for a free drink is asking him or her to essentially risk losing their jobs, getting fined, and shutting down their place of employment. You wouldn't risk any of that at your job, why would I? Asking a bartender for a free drink is like wearing a sign that reads "I'm a cheap douche-bag".

If you DO get a free drink because you are a good tipper, you should still tip on the free drink. Anyone who gets a free drink should also be grateful for the drink, it won't happen all the time, so don't expect it. So anytime you think about asking for a free drink, please don't. If anytime you receive a free drink... You're welcome. For everyone, please don't be that guy, or that girl, who asks bartenders for free drinks... you are probably not liked... Cheers

That's it for my blog, sorry if it sounds bitchy or arrogant, not my intentions. Tonight was one of those nights, full of the kind of people that really get on the nerves of a lot of bartenders.

Rule #30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
Rule #
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

Keep on truckin'!


Friday, July 3, 2009

Everything in Moderation...

I'll take giant killer energy drinks, a dancing Santa, and the Bud Light Lime Ninja for 300 please. That was my weekend (minus the killer part, although if that thing fell, it definitely would have fucked shit up). Anyway, Thursday was our official patio party, sponsored by Effect energy drink. It was a sick turnout, that I'm sure had everything to do with the 3 story tall can of Effect! Needless to say, 2.50 import beers and world famous Caesars are a cause for celebration. A few days prior, we built a brand new bar outside on the patio and that thing killed it Thursday night. I didn't think I was gonna work, so instead I threw back a few of my favourite beverages and began to mingle. At the end of the night, I was feeling it and I had some apologies to make the next day. It happens right? No harm no foul.

Friday night was pretty slow, so I decided to go see what else was going on downtown. Me and our trusted MC went for a walk and encountered a shirtless dancing Santa in the middle of Ouellette construction. It wasn't the strangest thing I had ever seen, but It was pretty good. This guy was lovin' life, dancing there on some random water pipes. Vest unbuttoned, Santa hat standing tall, this guys was busting a move to some MJ... Oh Windsor, you may be turning into a cespool, but you certainly spawn some entertaining individuals.

I have to take a moment and apologize to someone... Random old man, Im sorry I did not have any Bud Light Lime to sell you. I don't mean to play the blame game, but the beer store really did not have any. I am truly sorry for ruining your Saturday evening. Anyway, a lot of places are out of Bud Lime right now because the brewery just can't keep up with the demand. So, this guy comes up to the bar, asks if we have any, I say no, and before myself or anyone around me knows it, this guy just b lines it to the exit and peaces out. I'm still looking around going 'what the fuck'? There was no second choice, no 'ok thanks anyway', just 'fuck this, im out'. A couple of my favourite patrons were sitting at the bar and reacted the same way, thinking 'wow that guy really took that personally'. This guy took off just as fast as he appeared. This man was the Bud Light Lime Ninja.

That was my weekend so far, we still have to conquer tonight, so it is entirely possible I have another story for you tomorrow. This wasn't the longest blog, but I'm a busy guy, gimme a break will ya.

So my friends, I leave you with this. "Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don’t drink too much. Then again, don’t drink too little." - Hermann (Jackrabbit) Smith-Johannson, a 103-year-old cross-country skier.

Rule #8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.


p.s Check out my sweet European Effect shirt. Thanks Jeff and Brooke for everything!