Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn

I know it has been a while since my last blog, but, I've been lazy... lazy and drunk. I apologize. Anyway, there is a lot to talk about, and with the weekend coming up, even more to come.

We've got body shots, birthday parties, and what happens on a dance floor, it should be a decent blog, I'll do my best.

So last weekend, I witnessed one of the most common things that happens in a bar; body shots. This was no ordinary body shot... no no no... this was completely fucked up. It was a Wednesday, we had just closed up, around midnight (we're not normally even open Wednesdays), and some of us were just hanging around having a beer. A couple beers later, some people wanted some shots. Shots turned into bombs, and bombs turned into body shots. Although this is a pretty common occurrence in a bar, it still excites some people. Like I said, this was no ordinary body shot. It was more like Pineapple Express... "It's from that time. I told you, man! You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch! You wanted to do it!" There was whipped cream, there was Bailey's and there was a butt crack.... not a big deal, but it happened. Someone licked someones ass.... now that is fucked up.

Second to none however, was the dude laying on the bar, whipped cream on his nipples... Weird, but, I assumed "Ok, some chick is gonna lick that whipped cream off of him"... Wrong. Swooping down like a ninja out of the shadows, a couple good friends of mine gets a mouth full of whipped cream.... and man nipple... Also, it didn't just happen once... Fucking weird....

Now that the disturbing image is out of my mind, lets talk about the single greatest day of the year, celebrated all over the world... July 19th, my birthday. Yes, yes, I know... It's amazing. Long story short, after a few hours of drinking with my best friend from back home, going from bar to bar, insulting numerous random Americans on the street and almost getting in a fight, we arrive back at my place. As I stumble around barely conscious, unable to fathom the most simple ideas, I realize it is time to end the night and go to bed. It didn't quite end. With a stunning look of surprise on my face, my stomach empties and I drop to my knees. While we have all experienced getting sick after drinking, we usually aim for a toilet or even a sink, not our bedroom floors.... Oops. You imagine my surprise waking up Sunday morning to what was left after my drunken clean up attempt... Gross.

Dance floors are a pretty common thing amongst bars, they have existed since bars have. A club isn't a club without a dance floor, some lights, lasers, and a fog machine. However, dance floors are all exactly the same no matter where you go. There are 5 things that happen on a dance floor...

1. The solo dance - 1 person, guy or girl, just dancing by themselves having a great time and just tearin' it up.

2. The 1 on 1 - Whether its a guy and girl, 2 girls, or 2 dudes dancing together, the 1 on 1 is the most common occurrence on the dance floor.

3. The Sandwich - 1 Girl, 2 Guys - Also known as the dog toy - 2 guys sandwiching 1 girl, competing for her and fighting over her like 2 dogs over 1 toy. (No disrespect to women, I'm not calling you dogs or whatever.)

4. The Train - 1 Guy and 2 girls dancing together. The dude at the back and 2 chicks in front of him. Whether its real, or its one girl trying to help another girl, it happens.

5. The circle - A bunch of chicks together dancing around with each other with their shoes and handbags in the middle.

There you have it folks, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut"
- Ernest Hemingway

Rule #38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

Peace

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Slider *snif*... You Stink!

Its one of those things that annoys everyone, you know, that person who thinks he deserves something. This occurs in every industry, and in both genders. Whether its someone who thinks he deserves a discount on a new television, or some broad who thinks that because she's pretty she gets a free drink, it happens all the time.

It happens at the bar a lot, some one thinks that because he tipped 5 bucks (it is appreciated, don't get me wrong) he deserves a free drink. In that scenario, he is basically asking me to buy him a drink with the tip he just gave me, that really makes no sense at all. If you think you're that special, you probably aren't. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people that I would buy a drink for, and plenty of people who on occasion, might deserve a free drink, but I'll tell you what, those people are few and far between and probably never fucking ASK for a free drink, that just makes us angry. Having big tits does not entitle you to a free drink. They may help out in getting other guys at a bar to buy you drinks, but in no way constitutes for a free drink from the bartender. (I realize you need to save your money for your eventual breast-reduction surgery... go find a sugar daddy).

Many people fail to realize that giving out a free drink in Ontario (and many other provinces) is actually illegal. A bar or restaurant, and not to mention the bartenders and managers, can actually be fined or even shut down for giving away free booze. Asking the bartender for a free drink is asking him or her to essentially risk losing their jobs, getting fined, and shutting down their place of employment. You wouldn't risk any of that at your job, why would I? Asking a bartender for a free drink is like wearing a sign that reads "I'm a cheap douche-bag".

If you DO get a free drink because you are a good tipper, you should still tip on the free drink. Anyone who gets a free drink should also be grateful for the drink, it won't happen all the time, so don't expect it. So anytime you think about asking for a free drink, please don't. If anytime you receive a free drink... You're welcome. For everyone, please don't be that guy, or that girl, who asks bartenders for free drinks... you are probably not liked... Cheers

That's it for my blog, sorry if it sounds bitchy or arrogant, not my intentions. Tonight was one of those nights, full of the kind of people that really get on the nerves of a lot of bartenders.

Rule #30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
Rule #56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

Keep on truckin'!

Peace

Everything in Moderation...

I'll take giant killer energy drinks, a dancing Santa, and the Bud Light Lime Ninja for 300 please. That was my weekend (minus the killer part, although if that thing fell, it definitely would have fucked shit up). Anyway, Thursday was our official patio party, sponsored by Effect energy drink. It was a sick turnout, that I'm sure had everything to do with the 3 story tall can of Effect! Needless to say, 2.50 import beers and world famous Caesars are a cause for celebration. A few days prior, we built a brand new bar outside on the patio and that thing killed it Thursday night. I didn't think I was gonna work, so instead I threw back a few of my favourite beverages and began to mingle. At the end of the night, I was feeling it and I had some apologies to make the next day. It happens right? No harm no foul.

Friday night was pretty slow, so I decided to go see what else was going on downtown. Me and our trusted MC went for a walk and encountered a shirtless dancing Santa in the middle of Ouellette construction. It wasn't the strangest thing I had ever seen, but It was pretty good. This guy was lovin' life, dancing there on some random water pipes. Vest unbuttoned, Santa hat standing tall, this guys was busting a move to some MJ... Oh Windsor, you may be turning into a cespool, but you certainly spawn some entertaining individuals.

I have to take a moment and apologize to someone... Random old man, Im sorry I did not have any Bud Light Lime to sell you. I don't mean to play the blame game, but the beer store really did not have any. I am truly sorry for ruining your Saturday evening. Anyway, a lot of places are out of Bud Lime right now because the brewery just can't keep up with the demand. So, this guy comes up to the bar, asks if we have any, I say no, and before myself or anyone around me knows it, this guy just b lines it to the exit and peaces out. I'm still looking around going 'what the fuck'? There was no second choice, no 'ok thanks anyway', just 'fuck this, im out'. A couple of my favourite patrons were sitting at the bar and reacted the same way, thinking 'wow that guy really took that personally'. This guy took off just as fast as he appeared. This man was the Bud Light Lime Ninja.

That was my weekend so far, we still have to conquer tonight, so it is entirely possible I have another story for you tomorrow. This wasn't the longest blog, but I'm a busy guy, gimme a break will ya.

So my friends, I leave you with this. "Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don’t drink too much. Then again, don’t drink too little." - Hermann (Jackrabbit) Smith-Johannson, a 103-year-old cross-country skier.

Rule #8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

Peace!


p.s Check out my sweet European Effect shirt. Thanks Jeff and Brooke for everything!